Anyway, I do love women very much.
One thing I love about women is that they, um...
You have to do this when you're talking about
how much you love them.
Just...
I just love them.
Mmm!
Love women.
♪ Mm-hmm-hmm ♪ ♪
Anyway, I do, I...
I...
I love women because...
I mean, women are the same as men in some ways
but they're better at...
rejecting us than we are, you know?
They have the skills,
you know, to reject men in a way
that we can then not kill them.
That's basically how that works.
But, uh...
like I saw this couple once on a date, they're walking,
and then they stop--
The guy stopped her to talk in the middle of--
Like, "Hey."
And she's like, "Oh, shit."
So he goes to kiss her
and she does an amazing thing that women
somehow learn how to do.
She hugged him very warmly,
and men think that this is--
this is affection, but what this is is a boxing maneuver,
because your whole--
"Don't kiss me, you piece of shit."
And he's trying to get distance and...
It's not gonna happen.
Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been very nice.
Good night!
Another hand for Louie C.K.!
And the Grambling Tigers Marching Band...
who you can't see unless you have special glasses.
I'll talk to him, but he's drunk.
Hey. Hey.
Good set.
Thank you, thank you. Yeah.
Vanessa.
It's okay. Oh-- no, I'm sorry.
I've only been working here for ten years.
It's cool. I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding, I just started last week.
You got me.
Seriously, I like watching you,
and I do not like comedy.
You don't?
No, I hate it.
I just get nervous for the guy, you know?
Some of us are girls up there.
Yeah, same thing.
Yeah, I don't like it. Don't like comedy?
No, I hate comedy, yeah.
This is a weird job for you, then.
Well, in this economy, no job is weird.
I-- I guess so. Yeah.
Married or living together?
Living together.
Nice. Doing it?
Really, though, I--
I like watching you up there.
Thank you. Yeah.
Um...
Hey, what are you-- what are you doing later?
What?
I get off in an hour, you want to hang out?
You--
Are you scared that I'm asking you out?
'Cause I am.
You're cute, you're funny.
I am both of those,
plus like... seven other things.
Seven? Yeah.
Wow. Come on.
Come out with me, don't say no.
No is stupid.
No is for queers.
Well, you know, the thing is that I'm--
I think I'm just tired.
Oh, my God.
Are you gonna be okay?
You should have said something before, man.
I didn't know you were tired.
You-- you better go and get a nappy then.
I'm stupid, I had--
I was-- I was dropped on my head as a child.
Oh my God.
It's brutal out here.
God.
Bro, bro, bro.
Behind you, behind you, behind you, bro.
Oh, come on.
Oh, God!
I can't take this shit out here anymore, man.
Mmm.
Bro... we need to lose some weight.
Don't look at me like that.
We need to lose some weight.
I-- I know.
Well, you want to try?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
All right, all right.
This is what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow, we hit the gym.
We eat kale, right?
Okay.
Today, we gotta say goodbye to all that.
Yeah, okay.
So bang-bang, right?
Bang-bang now?
Yeah, this is our last one.
All right, bang-bang what?
Mexican-Italian.
All right, sushi-pizza?
Barbecue-IHOP?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Okay, how about--
how about Indian-diner?
Done.
All right, all right, let's go.
Bang-bang? Bang-bang.
Oh, okay.
The puffy bread.
Oh!
Make sandwiches out of everything.
Thank you.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
And here is your pie.
Can I get anything else for you guys?
No, I think we're good. No, thank you.
Excuse me, are you a comedian?
Yeah, yeah.
I thought so.
You're really funny. Oh, thank you.
Thanks a lot.
You guys celebrating something?
It looks like you're having a special occasion.
No, no, we're just--
We're doing a bang-bang.
What's a bang-bang?
No, it's not--
That's where we go have a whole meal at one place
and then go right to another place
and have another one.
Bang-bang.
It's, uh-- just ate a ton of food at this
Indian place, now this.
Bang-bang.
Well, um...
enjoy your meal, guys.
Why would you-- what's wrong with you?
Why would you tell her that?
'Cause that's what we're doing.
That's the truth.
That was brutal.
So the gym tomorrow?
You know what? I got a...
I got a whole bunch of...
I got stuff to do, I don't think it's a good--
It's not a good day. Cool.
I wouldn't recommend the sangria,
only because it's so delicious,
you'll probably end up having lots of
sex with each other.
There'll be some scissor fest action here.
Oh, nice.
Some sword-dong fighting and this action.
It's an intimidating city,
'cause I feel like everybody here
is better dressed than I am.
Like every time I leave the house,
it's picture day and nobody said anything to me,
which is-- is painful,
because when I was in third grade,
I missed picture day
because my single dad forgot about it.
Hey, is your-- is your name really Sunshine?
What?
I was just wondering-- Are you asking me my name?
What's your name?
Hey. Hey.
You on next? Yeah.
If I were you, I would stay away from
that left front table.
Very belligerent, dangerous,
perhaps criminally, type of guys.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thank you, I appreciate that. Sure.
You want to go out with me?
No.
Cool.
Just being a little persistent,
'cause I'm into you.
I'm that kind of chick.
- That's my Brando. - Excuse me?
It was good, right? Excuse me?
Yeah.
We've been waiting for our check.
Oh, I'm not your waitress,
but let's go find her and kick her ass, come on.
Yuck.
Hey, buddy, what's going on? What's up?
You going on? Yeah, I'm after Greer Barnes.
Greer Barnes.
Let me tell you something about Greer.
I can't follow that dude.
Good luck, all right?
Hey. Hey, Vanessa!
What's happening, honey?
Um, I just quit.
You did, seriously? Yeah.
Oh, wow, what happened?
Nothing, I just got a better job, so...
Where?
This part-time legal office.
Yeah, I was-- I was part-time,
but now they made me full-time, so...
Wow, that's great.
Hey, shit, we'll miss you.
Oh, I'll miss you too, Dave.
Good luck, sweetie. Thanks, babe.
See you, man.
Hey. Hey.
That's great about the job, good for you.
Do you like hockey?
What?
It's okay.
It's okay, I'm not asking you out again.
I know that's what that felt like.
I'm-- this is moving. Okay.
This is going down into my pocket. Okay.
All right.
No problem, we're all relaxed.
Uh-huh.
It's a pair of tickets.
Behind the net.
Face value, a lot.
The Rangers-Bruins game on Wednesday.
It's the playoffs. It's the playoffs.
I want to kill myself, I can't go.
But I can't go.
So, um...
What are you gonna-- Here.
You want 'em?
You're giving--
You want to give me those?
You can sell those for a lot of money.
Yeah, I thought about it, but, um...
Why...
That's like handing me 1,200 amazing dollars.
Would you like 1,200 amazing dollars? Of fun and...
Why would you-- why would you do that?
Well... I like you.
I'm leaving and...
I won't see you again.
So I don't know.
Makes me feel good to do something nice
for someone I like.
So... do you want 'em?
Yes, I really do. Yeah.
I really--
Thank you. Cool.
Thank you, I don't--
That's a-- that's it, I'm--
Have a good life.
Okay? Okay, I--
Hey.
Why don't we...
What iwe get some-- what if we get some coffee sometime?
What if we--
You want to get some coffee sometime?
Only if it's definitely a date and not as friends.
I'm kidding. Jesus.
I'm kidding.
I'd love to have some coffee.
Yeah? Tomorrow.
Okay, tomorrow, I can.
You want to meet at Friedman's?
Yes, I know where that is, yeah, can do that.
How about 2:00-ish?
2:00-ish is good. It's good?
That sounds nice. All right.
Yeah, I'll see you there. I gotta--I gotta go down.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you. Yeah.
That's awesome.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪ ♪
Finally, he dies.
I'm being mean-- I love my dad--
but the day he left,
closed up the shop, got the hell out of there
and I started law school when I was like 28.
So you just broke your promise
to the dying man like that?
See, here's the thing about dead people.
They're dead.
They don't matter anymore.
Right. Yeah.
Wow.
Your parents still around?
Yeah, yeah.
I never lost anybody to--
Not to dying. Really, nobody?
Yeah, nobody--
Well, my great-grandparents are all dead,
all eight of them.
Wow.
Yeah, they actually died on the same day.
They were--
Okay, four of them were on a plane... Uh-huh.
...and they crashed into the other four,
who were in a helicopter.
Wow, it was just like a freak accident.
No, no, they planned it.
- Ahh! - Oh!
Damn.
Whoa!
I used to play-- I used to, when I was a kid,
play street hockey, but I was not--
I was not skilled like these people.
Yeah.
I got my period when I was nine.
Jesus Christ.
Come on, let's go. Okay.
Let's get it going.
So when I moved here, it was--
it was really hard, you know?
I was really scared,
I didn't know what I was doing and...
Uh...
But you did it.
Yeah.
No, I mean, you did it.
You relocated to New York City on your own.
Yeah.
That's huge. Yeah.
Thanks, yeah.
I mean, you know, I got--
I have two kids and they're both girls. Right.
And because they're girls,
I need them to have those basic skills,
like that's what I feel is... Yeah.
...the most important thing for me to pass on to them.
If I did my job as a father,
it means that they can move to a town,
just in a day
and get a bank account and an apartment
and a job and set themselves up.
And they've left their other town
because there was like a crime spree.
Yeah, they murdered a lot-- Too many dead bodies.
Too many people.
That's what I tell my girls all the time.
Always be prepared to bleach your hair
and change your name and start over again.
I think that's the way you live a life. Oh.
What's the matter?
I got a penny. All right.
Good luck for me, not for you, sorry.
Why good luck for you?
"See a penny, face heads up,
all day long you'll have good luck."
Well, 'cause it rhymes that's supposed to be true?
'Cause it rhymes? Yeah.
"See a penny, pick it up, all day long
you'll have good luck."
You make up a rhyme.
Make up a rhyme? Yeah.
All right.
Um...
If you see a dog with a fuzzy face...
you'll never go to outer space.
Is that true?
Tell me that's not true. Yeah, it's sad.
It's sad, isn't it? Oh, really sad.
With a furry face. It's a known...
If they didn't call it "dating," you know?
Something about the word "dating,"
it makes it worse for me. Yeah?
What would you call it?
"Trying," maybe? Like, try--
"I've been trying this girl."
"I'm going out on a try with this--
with this dude."
Everybody's just trying. Yeah.
Not bad.
I mean, I would still-- I would still hate it.
Well...
But...
Try dating in New York in your late 30s
as a fat girl.
Well, you're not--
I mean-- Don't.
You're not fat.
Oh, dammit.
That is so goddamn disappointing, Louie.
You-- you're-- no, you're not.
You're not, I mean--
Louie.
Do you know what the meanest thing is
you can say to a fat girl?
"You're not fat."
I mean, come on, buddy.
I'm sorry.
It just sucks.
Oh, it really, really sucks.
You have no idea.
And the worst part is,
I'm not even supposed to do this.
Do what?
Tell anyone how bad it sucks,
because it's too much for people.
I mean, you,
you can talk into the microphone
and say you can't get a date,
you're overweight, and it's adorable.
But if I say it,
they call the suicide hotline on me.
I mean, can I just say it?
I'm fat.
It sucks to be a fat girl.
Can people just let me say it?
It sucks!
It really sucks.
And I'm gonna go ahead and say it,
it's your fault.
Look.
I really like you.
You're truly a good guy, I think.
So sorry.
I'm picking you.
On behalf of all the fat girls,
I'm making you represent all the guys.
Why do you hate us so much?
What is it about
the basics of human happiness, you know?
Feeling attractive, feeling loved?
Having guys chase after us,
that's just not in the cards for us.
Nope, not for us.
How is that fair?
And why am I supposed to just accept it?
You know, Vanessa,
you're a very, really beautiful...
Come on.
If I was a "very, really beautiful,"
then you would have said yes when I asked you out.
I mean, come on, Louie.
Be honest here.
You know what's funny?
I flirt with guys all the time.
And I mean, the great-looking ones,
like the really high-caliber studs...
they flirt right back, no problem.
Because they know their status
will never be questioned,
but guys like you never flirt with me,
because you get scared that
maybe you should be with a girl like me.
And why not?
You know...
if you were standing over there...
looking at us,
you know what you'd see?
What?
That we totally match.
We're actually a great couple together.
And yet, you would never date a girl like me.
That's not true. Yes, it is.
That's-- No, it's--Yes.
It's-- It is.
Have you ever dated a girl that was heavier than you?
Yes, I have. Have you?
Yes, I have. No, no, no.
I have. No, no, no, no.
I didn't say,
"Have you ever fucked a fat girl, Louie?"
I'm sure you have, every guy has.
I mean, when I met you, if I had said,
"Hey, you wanna go to the back room
and screw on a big can of peaches?"
You would have gone for it.
No.
I'm saying, have you ever dated a fat girl?
Have you ever kissed a fat girl?
Have you ever wooed a fat girl?
Have you ever held hands with a fat girl?
Have you ever walked down the street
in the light of day
holding hands with a big girl like me?
Go ahead.
Hold my hand.
What do you think's gonna happen?
You think your dick's gonna fall off
if you hold hands with a fat girl?
You know what the sad thing is?
That's all I want.
I mean, I can get laid.
Any woman who is willing can get laid.
I don't want that.
I don't even need a boyfriend or husband.
All I want is to hold hands with a nice guy
and walk and talk...
Huh, huh?
Okay?
Huh?
That's good, right? You caught on.
Huh?
Takes you a little-- a little while.
You want to hear a joke?
Sure.
All right, after everything I say, you say--
you say, "So did the fat lady."
Okay.
All right, I went to the zoo. So did the fat lady.
I saw the monkeys.
So did the fat lady.
I bought some popcorn.
So did the fat lady.
I got a hotdog and some candy.
So did the fat lady.
I saw the giraffe.
So did the fat lady.
The lions...
So did the fat lady.
An ice cream and some doughnuts.
So did the fat lady.
And I got some lemonade.
So did the fat lady.
Some cotton candy.
So did the fat lady.
I bought a balloon.
So did the fat lady.
The balloon popped. So...